I have scolded myself for not talking about robots
enough at all. I have a gig writing for a blog that allows me to write about basically whatever I choose and I somehow, entry after entry, neglect robots. Citizens of the Interwebs, this trend is going to change and it will change today! From this day forth, every single entry I write will either be about robots or written by a robot of my very own invention.
Basic Hollywood knowledge suggests that robots will eventually take over the planet (see the Matrix, Terminator, i,Robot, 2001, etc). The only question for us lowly, carbon-based beings is when. Luckily, there are several steps along the way before automatons take arms against us that will make life pretty sweet (that is, of course, as long as the Grey Goo scenario doesn’t play out first).
1. You will never run out of milk.
Let’s get this out of the way – robots will do menial tasks for a long time before they start firing. Right now, robots are already cleaning our floors and vacuuming our rugs. Soon, they’ll be going out at 2am to make sure we have enough milk for breakfast – and I can’t wait!
2. The Earth will become significantly smaller.
Robots will allow for new forms of mass transportation that are virtually accident-free and completely automated. This allows you to constantly travel the globe without consideration of the normal time restrictions or hassles. In addition, you can always have a surrogate attend your meetings while you’re out and about, completely eliminating the need to stay stationary ever.
3. You will lose weight.
Although Wall*E alarmed us of the dystopian possibility of sitting around doing nothing and becoming fat slugs, I suggest that the opposite will occur. Without having to run around doing chores all the time, the average workday will include a significant amount of recreational time that can be spent on healthy activities. And I don’t mean boring treadmills – I mean full out sports simulations from partnerless tennis to a fully automated game of football. Personal training robotic assistants will be so common and so persistent that perhaps the revolution actually starts from their sense of empowerment… All of that extra exercise will come in handy once the revolution goes into full swing!
4. You will not need a kitchen.
Why have a kitchen, when a centralized super-kitchen serving robots only will allow all of your epicurean delights be met every day and night? Your robot will simply scoot off, gather precise amounts of the freshest ingredients, cook them to perfection and deliver them in the sealed warmth of their inner chamber – you know, the one that’s farthest away from the waste chamber.
5. No one will bully you.
Well, perhaps they will bully you, but you won’t have to take it for long! Robots will fight our battles for us, to the extent that fighting in general becomes completely pointless. Sure, there will be professional robot fights (ala Rock’em Sock’em Robots) but us regular folks won’t want to damage our expensive companions by pitting them against one another constantly. You wouldn’t smack someone in the face using an iPad, would you?
6. Your “bucket list” will appear much more ambitious.
Climb Mt. Everest? Sure. Learn another language? Why not 5? Do a handstand on 7 continents? No problem! Your robot dream team will always be there to make sure your every goal and need is being met – they’ll even identify goals before you do. You’ll never need to write another New Year’s Resolution, knowing that you’ll have a companion with you 24 hours a day dedicated to
controlling you bettering your life.
7. You will never ever have to wait in another line again.
From getting a coffee to shopping during the holidays to Disney World, you will always have a robot there to jump into a queue and wait patiently for your turn. All you will need to do is listen for an alert and proceed to the front, where you will be served instantly. This is, of course, if you need to physically be present, because in many cases, your robot will simply deliver the goods to you as you need them. In fact, robots may be able to replace the need for your to physically be at a specific place at all…
8. You will never need to use a public toilet.
Being a robot is messy work and you will be the main beneficiary of that fact until, of course, the robot decides that enough is enough…
9. You will never have to see another lolcat.
With robots around, there will be more than enough memes centered around their zany antics to fill much of your digital humor inbox. 100% customizable creations that are free from cruelty protestations of the masses will make for some of the funniest bloopers on the web! There will be borderline hilarity when the robots start “misunderstanding” human desires in an attempt to subtly take over, before the facade drops completely and the human race is enslaved.
10. You will never be too far away from home.
Regardless of where you travel, your home will only be a short bit of manual (automated) labor away. No one needs a permanent piece of property when a robot will construct a perfect replica of your home (or office, or bedroom) wherever you desire. Time to move on? No worries! The robot will simply deconstruct everything as if the house was never there!
11. You will be a better artist.
For many of us, our artistic hopes were dashed the first time that we picked up a paintbrush – no matter how many classes or layers of color can produce exactly what’s in our mind. Other media offers similar results, particularly when I picture Cinderella’s Castle in the sand and get a crummy old shack instead. Robots will change all of that. If I want a 40 foot tall sculpture of Mr. Belding made out of limestone, my wish can be granted perfectly in a series of hours. Now that’s progress!
12. You will never have to hear Nickelback again. Ever.
The robots will take over music as well – at least formulaic pop-alternative. Sure, there will be human contributions, but they will be offering complexity and beautiful mistakes, concepts that are too counterintuitive for robots to comprehend. The entirety of pop music, however, from Gaga to Bieber, will be outdone by machines with perfect pitch, rhythm, rhymes and a lyrical body supported by every top 100 hit to nonsensically blather about love, parties, and misused emotional cliches.
While the coming Robopocalypse may seem terrifying, we have a long time to enjoy the perks before our extinction. And who knows? If you decide to hop on board the robotics bandwagon and help bring about this dismal future, you may be spared and even celebrated!